| Meat good. Fire good. Nothing in here is fancy. You won't find any section telling you where to put all 54 utensils, plates, and goblets for when the Princess and her entourage arrive. You will find ways of cooking stuff, serving stuff, and making some of it look edible. You'll find the tools you need to make it happen and nothing more. One more thing: this is not a literary masterpiece. If I had wanted to write something with flourishing adjectives, complete sentences, and words I didn't make up myself, I'd have written a Greek tragedy. I declare here and now that I am not a chef. I have not been trained. Everything you will find here was learned by necessity over the last 21 years. I like to eat. I like what I eat to taste good. It's pretty simple. I have learned to cook because my wife did not. It helps that I like to cook, but you don't have to. All you have to do is follow some very plain instructions, and you, too, can be enjoying a meal fit for royalty, all the while impressing those around you with your newly found culinary skills. Woohoo. You see, women love men who cook. I don't know why because I'm not a woman. As a matter of fact I have a wife and two teenage daughters and still don't know a damned thing about what motivates them to do or say anything they do. I just know it's true. So, if you want to get a girl, keep a girl, or suck up to a girl because you've been bad, there are recipes and helpful hints in here that will help. There are even recipes that work if you want to get rid of a girl (a week on baked beans for lunch and chili for dinner should do). Before you dive right into the recipes (I know you're eager, but if you go at it right away, you will probably find your first effort ends in a trip to the hospital to have a tube stuck down your and your others' esophagus in order to have your special feast pumped into a little green bucket) you should read some of the sections on preparation. That would be your preparation, and the food's. You'll need to have things on hand in the kitchen from power tools to kick-ass spices and you'll need to know how to use them. I know we all like to put things together without reading the boring instructions, but this is different from a VCR or a bike. Nobody gets his or her stomach pumped when you put a bike together incorrectly. The recipes themselves are placed strategically in order of importance: Meat first, everything else later. I start with beef, move through pork, poultry, and other dead things slung on a spit and burned with fire. I will also throw in a few vegetarian suggestions for that special someone who doesn't eat meat. There are a few miscellaneous items like appetizers and desserts and I've even provided a small section on breakfast just in case she really likes your dinner and desserts. Impressing her for breakfast, now that's just the boost you needed. One more thing I would like to add is that most of these meals are not dripping with fat content. Yes, there are some ingredients and meals which have more fat than others do, but your selection of the ingredients can reduce the fat in your meals by 50%. For example, use low fat margarine rather than butter. I have elevated cholesterol, so because my recipes are mindful of that, you will reap the benefits of the great taste, and less crap. By replacing any ingredient with something a little lighter, you can live longer. Not longer than your wife, but we all got ripped off there. For those of you who enjoy the greasy, fatty, thickening-of-the-arteries meals, add what you will. As I will remind you, I don't have to eat it, you do. Everything else you really need to know is in here. Well, as far as putting things in your mouth goes, anyway. I have no helpful hints to suggest what should come out of your mouth. You're on your own, there. Quick Lesson: Don't tell anybody. If you use one or two of these recipes, your status will rise surprisingly. Should anyone ask, just say you have been dabbling. The mystery will add flavour. |
| Excerpt from: The Cookbook for Men Whose Wives Don't Cook |
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| Author Biography Christopher Hamilton resides in Burlington, Ontario, Canada with his wife, Nancy, and two daughters, Sarah-Lynn and Heather. For 18 years he has worked in the transportation industry, dabbled in literary fiction, short stories, music, and, of course, cooking. In his spare time he pursues a second career as a wildlife photographer and conservationist. Currently you will find him at home cooking dinner |
| “The Cookbook for Men Whose Wives Don’t Cook” is an easy to read, easy to follow recipe book designed to help anyone who finds themselves culinary challenged (that means you can’t cook). I wrote this book to offer aid to those hungry men out there who have found themselves in the same situation as me: namely, my wife can’t cook. You can ask anyone. Don’t get me wrong. In no way do I believe it is the wife’s job to do any or all of the cooking, but when faced with the prospect of take-out, burnt meat, or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the average duration of a marriage, someone has to step up. This book is for women whose husbands don’t cook, students who need quick and cheap meals on a budget while away from home, the single guy or gal who loves mom’s cooking, but really doesn’t want to go and see mom, or anyone who doesn’t know a damned thing about cooking but still likes to eat. I take you step by step through each recipe in my own unique manner, so even if you can’t tell a spoon from a fork you’ll be able to put together a quick and easy meal for two or a feast for many. You might even impress yourself! “The Cookbook for Men Whose Wives Don’t Cook” is your doorway to the world of cooking, and your salvation from eating cardboard. |
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| BEEF BOATS
Time: 1 easy hour Here is where we begin. This is simple. This is the easiest recipe and one of the most rewarding. Years ago, my friends and I used to eat at a pizza place which had a dungeon motif in the basement. Many a night was spent with drinks and pizza in the dungeon. Many a next morning was spent with hangovers and indigestion. The Beef Boat was the hidden surprise on the menu. Years after the restaurant closed, I decided to revive the dead recipe and add a twist or two of my own. This is a meal in itself. It’s messy, filling, but most of all delicious. I serve it at all my poker parties, and whenever my family needs a quick easy meal. I have 2 daughters and a wife who can make this by themselves. I’m sure you’ll be able to get it right. If you can’t, you know what to do. You get a toy with each of those happy meals. Here’s what you’ll need: - 500g (1 lb) shaved roast beef - one vidalia onion (vidalias are the best but if you can’t find one, spanish will do) - one tablespoon onion or onion/roasted garlic soup mix - a couple tablespoons of brown sugar - two packages of brown gravy mix - buns (your choice, but kaisers or vienna rolls are best) We’re going to need a medium pot. Yes, that’s right the medium pot. If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, then flip right now to the back and look at the section on pots. I told you to do that earlier, but you didn’t did you? I’ll bet the wheels fell off your kid’s bike, too. For those of you that know what the medium pot is, good. Then you’re getting your pot right now. Keep in mind, you can double this recipe, triple it, cut it in half. This stuff doesn’t keep too well for many days, or in the freezer. The meat disintegrates if cooked too long or stored too long and becomes nothing but a big pile of goo, so figure out what you need before hand. This will make 4 - 6 beef boats. Follow the directions on your gravy packet. Usually it’s one cup of water, in the pot, of course, then add the packet, and stir constantly, bringing the gravy to a boil. Then reduce heat and simmer. This usually takes about 3 minutes. Once your gravy is ready, reduce heat to med-low (3-4), and add two tablespoons of brown sugar, one tablespoon of the soup mix, and the onion. The onion I like to cut into long chunks, about 2” (7 - 8cm) long and 1/2” (2 cm) wide. I don’t care how you cut them. I’m not eating yours. The soup mix I have ready in the cupboard. Dried soup pouches stay in my cupboard for use in all sorts of gravies and sauces. You may want to use mushroom soup mix, or some other flavour, but that’s up to you. Whatever flavour you like with your beef is fine. You can also add spices, salt, pepper, anything you like to taste. This recipe is easily adaptable to anything your taste buds fancy. Simmer the gravy on low heat (2-3) for a half an hour. This allows the onion to soften, and the natural flavour to meld with the others. Then add the beef. Don’t just dump it in, buddy. Peel the shaved beef apart and add the beef a bit at a time, stirring it in until all the beef is covered. You might want to turn the heat down a notch, because we’re not cooking the beef, we’re just heating it and allowing the flavours to mingle. Let it sit, stirring occasionally for about 20 minutes to 1/2 hour. Slice your buns, baby. While the beef becomes the palatable treat it must, slice the buns and get ready, because when it’s done, you just use tongs to put the beef on the buns and voila! Now, it’s messy, so have napkins and maybe a hose ready. Serve these with a salad, coleslaw, pickles, whatever. Variations may include the use of cheese, or maybe even sauteed mushrooms. Check the section on sides and appetizers for some decent ideas on stuff to add. In the end, though, the beef boat may stand alone. It can, it has, and it will. Oh, and by the way, I don’t think there’s anyway to make this one look pretty. It’s an on your face and shirt recipe, but one the boys will think is kick-ass. Okay, you’re done. Go eat. |
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| As an added bonus, here is a recipe from the book........ the infamous Beef Boats! |